Toxic is Part of Trauma

Plis dearies, Heal!!

This picture is how my soul feels about healing, but not my physical body. I still think about reclusiveness every minute, but I choose to say no.

In retrospect, I always imagine how my life would be if I wasn’t easily noticed when I walk into a room. If I was a dead guy from Primary School to University, just maybe I would not have had traumatic experiences that scarred me and gave me problematic behavior traits.

But maybe if these experiences didn’t happen, I would never have been able to fully receive God’s love and become vulnerable 🤷🏻‍♀️

In @koromone’s words on Twitter paraphrased, some of the experiences I hated about my childhood are helping me through adulting. I don’t require physical contact to thrive, I enjoy my space or do I need social interactions to be balanced. 

Thoughts about secondary school make me cringe, and I would not want anyone I like to relive my experiences. People always gossiped about me over the minute things and it seemed like I was an easy target because everyone thought I was bougie and better than them. I was just humbly wearing the things my parents provided for me and thinking of how not to starve. This is still my reality (my thoughts vary on the next place to get food, not actual humans). But any who, If I made a new friend, they’d gossip that I stole someone’s school mother or someone’s boyfriend. When I decided to avoid people and be friendless, I was proud. I was honestly confused on how to make friends or the right approach. It was really a cruise.

Lmaooo one time the VP lied against me that I beat students for fun, and all my teachers came to school the next day, that they had been vouching for me thinking I’m good (I’m good guys, she literally lied 😭, I was not the bully, I was the victim)

Or the time my sisters and I came 1st 2 in our classes, and she told me congratulations in the most sarcastic manner, that she didn’t realize we were intelligent. Ma’am we’ve been in the top 5 list every term since we entered the school. Literally.

My first kiss was a full-blown gist, about how I’m being used 😂 Even my supposed best friends gossiped about me. No one ever came to meet me to ask me for this humble gist.

Anyhow, these were just basic high school shenanigans. They never really bothered me then, or made me overthink life. I didn’t even think they were traumatic, but I kept stomaching these things. I subconsciously learnt to be way too independent and shut off people. Because interactions with people equated drama or hurt.

I got to University, and strange patterns began to play out. The amount of people I have heard that I slept with. Whew. A whole me. I don’t even be knowing these men half of this time. Or when someone found me in my lane, professed love to me and ghosted me. Wow Wow Wow.

I never addressed these things, and I feel like they kept piling up.

I built walls. Amazing walls. Like ‘deep, thick and high do not penetrate walls’. I would be nice and friendly, and gist about everything going on, but never really open up to anybody. It affected my relationships with people, (especially guys I actually had feelings for, because I never expressed them, and they were confused, so it would just fizzle out, and I’d be hurt for some 5 minutes, and move on). Sorry guys. If I went out of my way for you then, just know I liked you 😂

I became the hard guy, and I stopped addressing my feelings. I learnt how to sweep them under the rug, and I always formed indifferent or I don’t care. I became really logical in my feelings. Even in my relationship with God. But then, I realized I became the hard guy. Hard guy was the thing. 

Lmaoo writing this post made me cry. Because these are painful experiences, and reminiscing over them feels a type of way. I kept wondering why I am sharing this, but I promised to be vulnerable, so other people can learn. 

In March 2019, I cried about these things for like a week. I was depressed, because I felt really lonely. I had gotten to a point where I was tired of avoiding human interaction, and I wanted to make new friends. I felt I was lonely because I had done hard guy for so long, and now no one liked me. I would text the 2 of the small friends group I had and just cry to them.

But God did something with me. He decided to teach me love and heal me. He broke down walls.

Truth moment tho: My brain has touched, and I keep trying to avoid and disengage people now, so I don’t have drama in my life. But God still keeps teaching me that vulnerability and interactions with people are okay. God is teaching me love, and I can feel. I can cry. God is taking me through a journey, that while painful, it brings healing.

While engaging with people, I’ve realized people are toxic but never know. They think they are fine, because of circumstances that have become normal to them.

I’m not a relationship coach or expert, but half of the time, you’re behaving mad because of your past experiences that didn’t matter then. If you’re still thinking if you’re toxic, you know you are. You can take a test on google sha. 

Now we are about 50 days into 2022, pick up pen and paper, and address it. 


Love and Light, 


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